Like a lot of Americans, I have been paying close attention to the kids who survived the shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida. It’s very unlikely that I will ever experience anything like what those kids have gone through. But when I watch their faces as they stand up and speak truth to the legislators who hold the power and responsibility for seeing that our schools are safe, and contemplate the need for society to do something to protect them, I see something in their postures and in their eyes that is vaguely familiar. Of course there is great emotion in what they are saying. They are courageous but, if you look closer, you can see a tiny shift in their eyes, an involuntary tilt of their heads, a little change in their balance, as if they are listening to the sound of a faint audible bell sounding in their heads.
Though it is barely comparable, I have had a glimpse of that look. Six weeks ago I returned home from a short, few hour trip into Rapid City. We live in a remote area at the end of miles of gravel roads and at the dead end of a two-mile-long driveway. We go weeks without seeing a car. When I came home that day, I expected to see my dog, Shiner, tearing around the corner of the horse barn to greet me. He’s usually excited to go inside with me but, that day I saw no sign of him. It was cold and getting dark so I figured he’d weaseled his way into Erney’s cabin, who is our old friend and dog caretaker. I really didn’t think much about it, just parked the car and walked past the horse barn to Erney’s to collect him. When I asked Erney, he just shrugged. “Haven’t seen him. Haven’t seen anything, all day.”
We agreed that he was probably somewhere in the trees, exercising the rabbits. We talked for a few minutes and I made my way back to the house. By now it was almost dark and the light had become eerie. When I got to the house I found the front door wide open. I wasn’t sure what to think. I could only believe that I had inadvertently left the door open when I’d left a few hours before. I stepped in and flipped on the light that illuminated the broken glass of picture frames that were scattered across the floor. I heard Shiner coming from the back bedroom. I initially went for the easy explanation: I left the door open, Shiner found it, came inside, and had a dog party in our house. But Shiner is not that kind of dog, he is not a Rottweiler or Doberman Pincher, he is a small, gentle, white English Setter, with a black patch around one eye. By then he was standing in the hallway, looking ashamed and as bewildered as I felt. A few more feet in and I noticed that the computer I’d been on just a few hours before was gone. Drawers were gaped open and I walked to one of the open drawers and saw that my Colt revolver was gone. My walk down the hall showed more open drawers and missing electronics.
I had called Colton and went to the window when I heard him pull up to the shop (which he was going to check out when he arrived), and I stared out in disbelief, the ranch pick-up truck was gone. We had been robbed. Our wall of security had been breached. Our little Camelot had been violated. What had Shiner seen? His tail wagged in slow confusion. Thump, thump, thump against the wall.
In twenty years we had never locked a door, never taken the keys out of the ranch trucks. When Jill and Jilian showed up they stood staring at the damage gasping, that is when I first saw the troubled look that I’ve been seeing on the faces of kids from Marjory Stoneman Douglass High School. That faint bell was sounding, inside Jill and Jilian’s heads. It was fear, a loss of innocence, a recalculation of the order of our lives. Who did this? Meth heads? Crazies? Would they come back? It’s a bell that could never be un-rung.
We’d lost the pickup, the computer, stereo speakers, my kindle, cell phone, some jewelry, and the old Colt revolver that I had kept near me for forty years. Our family photos could be reframed and our photographed faces would again smile out into the room, but those faces would never be the same – they had now been changed.
It was clear that the greatest loss was something that could not be calculated. From the material realm, the insurance did not cover the pickup and after the deductible and depreciation values, the check was incredibly small. There was enough to cover all new door locks and a now needed security system, what was left over I reserved to buy a new pistol. Because I didn’t know what else to do, I walked over to the cabinet where the old Colt had always been, and put it in the drawer. It was a hollow gesture.
76 comments
Also being miles from town on a dirt road, I feel your violation. We’ve had to place cameras with motion activated detectors. It does see a lot of wild life to our much satisfaction, but yet to catch a human who’s not supposed to be there. One day it will. On a second note, you were being watched and some one’s watching your travels, this was planned, change your schedule and rotate your cars placements. And buy good cameras with high pixel rate.. Also put up signs of video surveillance.. GL !
Sorry, Dan
Hard to believe it could happen at your ranch. We moved to our place in Sonoma 38 years ago when it was a little country town. Left home all day with the front door unlocked. Time for security system, I guess.
I’ve been a prosecutor for over 30 years and it always bring pain to hear from victims who’s lives will never quite be the same because some drugged creep couldn’t handle his life. I’m sorry you had to experience that.
You have, as ever, shared from your heart and shined a light on the sense of loss that we all feel for the students in Florida, and the families everywhere whose innocence has been shattered over these last years since Columbine……or earlier. These events inevitably amplify our need to self-protect and arm our defenses, while at the same time our hearts yearn for reassurance and connection. How different our world would be if we could feel safe by simply arming ourselves with integrity and honor and a strong sense of community. You will be in my thoughts and prayers as you regroup, and regain your sense of peace in your home on the range. You’re keeping the light on for all of us……don’t let anything dim it.
My beautiful Home in the woods was destroyed a few years ago. In the middle of the National Forest. All glass broken, pictures slashed, kitchen destroyed. Nothing taken but my sense of security and Peace. No insurance because of how far from town. It is still boarded up. I will repair it when I can. Senseless violence- no respect for personal property. So much disconnect from the Heart.
How sad I’m so sorry that you were totally violated by this intrusion, its not the material things that are gone, Its the feeling of Safety in a place where you should always feel safe.
I am glad that Shiner was ok, for they could have hurt him, as well, that could not be
replaced.. I hope they catch the person/persons responsible for this stay safe and I hope that your comfort level returns after the grieving process is over…
So sorry. I know the feeling as well having been robbed twice. I was so damn mad I would have ripped the sorry SOB’s to pieces if I could have found them. This was in LA though. My mother in rural Maine used to make fun of me when I went to visit and always locked my car no mater where I parked. Even in her driveway. I now live back here and lock everything and have a security system complete with cameras. A sad fact of our new “improved” world. Believe me I use that term with maximum sarcasm.
so very sad and tragic. first thing first…thankfully, you and Shiner are OK. thank you for producing and delivering such a wonderful product. we could not live without it. may this invasion of your privacy not stop you from living a free and open lifestyle. cherish the life that you live. may we all give thanks for living in this amazing country called America!
Somehow I thought you’d be insulated from that happening in rural South Dakota. We were robbed exactly as you were in Clearwater, FL. Computers, cameras, jewelry. And our red daschund was shocked, traumatized. Drug addicted thieves were caught. They had robbed 3 homes. The dogs in the other two were poisoned and died to keep them from barking. Don’t let this keep you from seeing the good out there. (I spent 10k on security cameras) Hug Shiner and keep living the good life. I’m eating a bison T-bone tonight because of our friends at Wild Idea ??
After recently reading your book your amazing work/life has vaulted to the top of my Hero list. Thank you for doing the hard work of making incredible change to this earth. So very saddened to hear of this traumatizing invasion. Having had a new car stolen from my garage (i always left keys on floorboard), I can empathize with the sense of violation. Since then i have had to change my habits, remove keys, lock doors and always have my guard up. It really saddens (and maddens) me that your Shangra La has been forever changed. I hope the perpetrators are caught and that your sense of peace and safety can be restored in time. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Natasha
I’m so sorry your beautiful retreat was so violated by greedy people with no regard for their fellow man. Your family is in my thoughts.
So sorry to hear that. It seems no matter where you live or how secure you felt, those days are over. And it’s a shame. future generations will never know that security that we have felt in past. We used to leave the doors unlocked and the cars unlocked, but no longer. It is a shame but it’s that way all across our great Nation.
I concede that the comparison is stretched in several ways, but my moment came in the early morning darkness two Novembers ago when my understanding of my country was ransacked and some of my most cherished assumptions carried away. I added to my arsenal in the week’s that followed. Also a meaningless but thinly reassuring move.
So heartbreaking! And so sorry to hear. I imagine Shiner was disappointed in himself and feeling guilty, poor guy! My family knows this feeling.. it’s the ultimate violation of our lives and cuts so personally deep. I hope you are able to rediscover the solace in your home that was once there.
Fascinating how you show empathy for the Parkland victims and support for our right to bear arms in this article. And i love how you employ the dog to ‘leash’(?sorry) the readers emotions to your point.